Romanticism: Trying to queer it, yet still getting stuck

By Phil SheldonNo Comments
‘How can the light that burned so brightly, suddenly burn so pale’ (Art Garfunkel / Bright Eyes) As I attempt to debrief myself after a recent break-up, I can’t help but think that this whole situation might feel a lot easier if I had not been so indoctrinated for most of my young and early adult life into romanticism. I’m thinking particularly about those aspects of romanticism where there has been an intensity to the encounter; that this intensity, then, takes on greater meaning than the actual physical behaviour or boundary the other sets: i.e. they exit. Even as a queer cisman, who has done a lot of unpacking around patriarchy, sexual and gender narratives, relationship deconstruction, setting boundaries in relationships whatever they look like (and respecting others’ boundaries also), I still wonder why this assumption crosses my mind: If you suddenly exit our intense ‘us’, surely you will come back. A few side notes: Relationship types Over time, a lot self-reflection and a...
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is counselling right for you?

By Phil SheldonNo Comments
common fears around going to counselling: is this the right time for me? how will i know? in life, it is never quite the right time. we are very good at giving ourselves excuses and putting things off so then we don't have to deal with the stuff. often, making small steps: researching therapists, finding out what therapists are in your area, maybe starting to tell friends/family about considering therapy (or not, if you prefer to keep yourself private), are all good indicators that you are preparing yourself for therapy. and making that next step might feel like the hard part. this is common for lots of people. to help, you can also request a short introduction session, or speak to the therapist by phone or Skype, put a name to a face before you start therapy. and of course, as human beings we can change our mind, and that's ok too. i don't want to talk to a stranger. it is my job...
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talking about models of grief

By Phil SheldonNo Comments
we are almost always unprepared for death when it comes into our lives, and in whatever form it takes: a loved one, a friend, a child. and this can be compounded/shaped by the 'how': sudden death, suicide, death after a long illness. at that immediate point of loss, our lives can feel completely thrown into disarray, and we can feel utter loss, confusion and separation. this can also trigger our own feelings and fears around abandonment and being alone, our own death anxiety. additionally, feelings are often compounded by cultural expectations around how grief should be performed, and sometimes an unwillingness for people to be able to talk about the (messy) feelings around death, or even to talk at all. i started off my career as a trainee counsellor for a large bereavement charity. it taught me a lot about sitting with sadness, loss, and deep pain. it also taught me how to have patience with the unnavigatable, the unthinkable, and...
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sex ed : anal sex

By Phil Sheldon Comment Closed
a recent sex ed piece in Teen Vogue about Anal Sex, and the ensuing backlash from various groups made me think about how anal sex is still shamed in our culture(s). this shame/stigma can often be carried by the LGBTQ+ communities, and this may be expressed as ignorance/risky sexual practices, which may lead to increased risk to STIs/HIV, and also isolation from self/community. further, this can create a heteronormative parallel in the LGBTQ+ communites: orgasm and penetration (not necessarily penis/vagina penetration) become standardised practices, the thing we must get to in sex. particularly in gay communities, there is an often critical language around sexual rôles: passive/active role, hungry bottom, aggressive top, 'you top or bottom?' of course, this language, and these roles can be embraced and not shamed. however, whatever sexual community i find myself in, where are the shades of grey? how do i make my own sexual choices without feeling pressurised to conform to roles my community expects of me? maybe, i prefer...
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thinking styles

By Phil Sheldon Comment Closed
i sometimes work with clients on their belief systems, particular the thoughts that can darken our thinking, keep us stuck, or create fear and anxiety, thoughts that actually most of us have on a daily basis (to a greater or lesser extent). some of these more negative type thoughts can actually be temporarily useful: doubt can be useful as it allows us to pull back for a moment and maybe question a decision, a choice made, and then reevaluate. there is even some use to procastination: maybe we weren't ready to make that decision yet, and the time needed to procrastinate has allowed us to reach a 'decision' (though it may not have felt like this at the time). and the brain likes to feel like it is doing something (where procrastination is 'doing' something) however, what happens when our negative thoughts become disabling or shade the day. it can be useful to start to identify our thinking patterns, to slow down the process,...
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demisexuality

By Phil Sheldon Comment Closed
we are bombarded with expecatations of how we should be in our sexuality: the media, society, our culture and culture/geography we find ourselves in, political & legal systems around us, our peer groups, the scenes we may choose to visit or be part of. if we add on to this our indivual sexual experiences and history, this can become a melting pot of how, on an individual basis, to express our sexuality. what if attraction for us was more based on trust and time getting to know one another? what if this was a non-negotiable? how would we traverse the world of modern dating, through the apps, the clubs, the social spaces? this article nicely breaksdown demisexuality: https://www.bustle.com/articles/155277-what-does-demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identify-as-demisexual...
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sexual anxiety

By Phil Sheldon Comment Closed
how do i communicate my wants and desires during sex? do i know what these are? what are the barriers towards me communicating these? do i know why this is happening to me? do i know when this is happening to me? how does all this make me feel? these are some of the questions that may go through are heads during sex, but also before we've even got through the door (or maybe, before this, when we're out on a date even). understanding what happens to us and when can help us unlock some of our defences and look at what it means to be vulnerable during sex. ask yourself, do i actually talk about what i want, what we want, during sex? I like this article by Abi O'Donovan as it shows honestly how our histories can play out in new encounters, and how being vulnerable can be a path to greater understanding and meeting. http://integratesexandspirit.com/5-things-say-new-lover/...
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anxiety

By Phil Sheldon Comment Closed
anxiety can be something which follows us around, a daily preventative to doing the things we want and need to do in order to move forward, get things done, begin to see change happen... here, anxiety is discussed as an objective precursor to how we organise and plan our thoughts and our lives when it is not cripplingly disabling. http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/09/psychologists-say-anxiety-is-the-shadow-of-intelligence.html  ...
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self care

By Phil Sheldon Comment Closed
finding space for self in our digitalised worlds giving ourselves permission to focus on me finding time to care for ourselves, whatever that means for us wondering how this could ever be helpful? we are all different, have different needs, and maybe different needs for different months or seasons. our needs are also different depending at where we find ourselves in life's progression. when looking at self care strategies, i would often work with clients to find something which resonates with them; they are then more likely to try it and maybe commit to it. and even in the act of seeking to honour oneself, there is something we can take or learn from this process. i would add that in some respects there is a level of privilege in finding these spaces; if the one thing you need to do to survive the day is get out of bed and take a shower, then maybe that is your self care; likewise, systems of oppression maybe present for...
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